Not like I had much choice in the matter, I suppose. I spent the majority of last night on the phone with my friend Jeremy. He talked me off the bridge, figuratively speaking. I just, personally I don't do well with change. AT ALL. I can move across the country, make dinner for 15 people on no notice, or absorb new friends into my life all without batting an eye, but when it comes to something changing with me on a personal level, I flip out to the extreme. I'm sure some therapist would have a field day figuring it all out, but I just shove it to the side and never deal with it. Then something comes along that forces me to deal with a personal change and I panic. I spent most of last night crying and shaking and afraid that I would wake up this morning a pearl-wearing, muffin baking, PTA president, Sunday school teaching, right-wing Republican. Insane, I know, but there it is. I'm not far enough into this yet to say I've accepted it, but at least I don't have one of those "W - The President" stickers on my car. So, happy 30 to me.
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Wow, times flies when life happens. I won't go into all the details, but bunches of stuff has happened and taken up all my time, but I'm back now, so let's just focus on that, shall we?
So, it's the 24th of September. My birthday is the 29th. THAT birthday. The one that I can't even dream of is right around the corner. It's started yelling "YoohOO!" and waving at me with a smirk on it's face. I can't stand it. I have had some very good friends recently experience this milestone and they seem to have survived it, but still. 30. Just the number makes me shudder. I'm not really sure where I thought I would be by this point in my life, but I can tell you I'm not there. I'm a divorced, single mother of an almost 10 year old boy, with no foreseeable romantic interest in my life. Pleasant, huh? I have said repeatedly that I never want to get married again, and that's true, but a boyfriend would be nice. Oh well. Also, the weight is all still here. I've managed to sleep walk through my twenties, the age for cute clothes and scandalous outfits, never having worn them. I feel like I have squandered the gift of my youth. I think that's why this birthday is hitting me so hard. I have joked for YEARS that I was going to jump off a bridge the night before I hit 30. That I refuse to turn that landmark age. I don't suppose I'll actually do it, but the appeal is still there.
30. Yeesh. I'm almost an adult. I don't want to grow up, Wendy.
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| Date: | 2006-04-30 07:33 |
| Subject: | Wanted |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  hopeful |
I have a question. Why is it SO hard to find a man these days? I mean a good man, a caring man, a man who isn't afraid of good hygiene and doesn't lie. I'm sure there are at least one of two of these endangered species left, so why can't I find one? Maybe my requirements are too high or maybe I am just destined to whither away into a life of being the old spinster woman on the hill who talks to her cats that she DOESN'T EVEN HAVE! Ok, all you people in livejournal land, I need your help. I'm going to post my preferences (snickering is ok, outright laughing is STRONGLY discouraged) and you send me the man of my dreams. Ready? Here goes:
1. I want someone kind. Someone who won't laugh if I cry when Bambi's mother dies even though I KNEW it was coming.
2. I HAVE to have someone who loves kids. Not in the gross icky way, but remember, there is the Boy to think about.
3. I want someone intelligent. If I have to explain the evening news to him it's just not going to work. Healthy debates about the news are encouraged however.
4. I want someone with a sense of humor. Yes, I have one and he better too.
5. He MUST be faithful. This really should be a no brainer, but after the ASSHOLE, I take nothing for granted.
6. I want someone who knows the appropriate time and place for references to our love life. Hint, dinner with my parents is NOT the time.
7. An alpha male would be nice but only if he is a sensitive guy deep down. Jesus, that sounds like the back of some romance in the dollar bin section of the bookstore. NEXT!
8. I want someone who is secure enough in who they are to accept my friends and their lifestyles. Backing up to the wall with large deer-in-the-headlight-eyes will NOT be tolerated. These friends were here before you were, buddy, and they will be here when you leave. Deal.
9. Hmmm, I almost wrote no republicans, but I guess as long as they don't think Bush hung the moon, they aren't on board with that whole outlawing abortion thing, and they aren't against gay rights... Damn, yeah, no republicans.
10. They have to be loving and supportive. Sounds standard issue, huh? Trust me it's not. I have a lot of wacky dreams, folks, and even if they never come true I want someone who will support the dreaming of them and love me irregardless.
So there you go, my list. If this sounds like you, like someone you know, or someone you might have met once at the laundry-mat, give me a ring. Oh, and no convicts. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm cutting my options in about half here, but a girl has to draw the line somewhere...
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WARNING!!!! SPOILER ALERT!!!! IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE AND PLAN TO PLEASE SKIP THIS ENTRY!!!!!!
I watched Brokeback Mountain earlier today. I have finally calmed down enough to gather my thoughts and post. I cried for the last thirty minutes of the movie and didn't stop for at least an hour after the credits had rolled. Movies move me, but rarely (if ever) to the extent that this one did. The love that Jack and Ennis share is rare in a world that breeds the romanticism and trust out of us. The tears started when they parted with harsh words the last time at Brokeback and the outright sobs began when the postcard came back to Ennis. But the pinnacle of the Oprah Ugly Cry came when Ennis found the shirts in Jack's childhood bedroom. Oh God! My heart twisted and died for the pain that was conveyed in that one scene. To lose someone that you love and have never really been able to be with the way you both wanted, it brings tears back to my eyes to think about it now. Nothing but praise and love to Heath Ledger, Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Williams, Anne Hathaway, and Ang Lee for this picture. Not many movies can convey the amount of emotion with scenes worth of dialogue as this one did with just a glance between any of the leads. I have heard this movie referred to REPEATEDLY as "that gay cowboy movie". If that's all some of you got out of it, then I feel truly sorry for you. But even more than that I feel deeply sorry for those of you who won't even see it because the couple is homosexual. You have missed one of the greatest love stories to come along in more years than I have been around.
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So, my divorce had started out amicable, honestly. But now, oh now it's just like everyone else. I found out that the ex was in town the other day and my first thought was that he was going to go after my kid. I was overcome with panic. So I raced down to the school with my divorce papers in hand to prove that he had no right to my son. The best they could do was promise to make him show proof that he had a legal right to have access to the Boy and call me so that I could get down there. I appreciate their efforts on my behalf. I understand that they can't get involved in custody disputes and that they helping as much as they were legally allowed to. Some of you may be wondering why I don't want my ex to see our son, well the cold hard truth is that he doesn't care about our son. He doesn't call, doesn't come to see him, doesn't pay child support. The only reason he would go to get the Boy is to watch me twist in the wind and fall apart. Yes, he absolutely hates me that much. The good news is he didn't try to go after my son, and the little imp is safely sleeping in the next room. Still, I now know true terror and it's a cold cold feeling.
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So, it may have not gone unnoticed by some of you that I haven't updated in a while. I know, I know, TRUST ME, I know. I promise to do better and to remember that there is life outside the seventeenth circle of hell (aka, work). Also, I promise to give myself one hundred lashes with a wet noodle. Self flagellation is the wave of the future my friends. Now that all the grovelling for forgiveness is aside, on the with update....
First news first, I was recently reminded that THE birthday was fast approaching for me. Sweet Jesus, say it isn't so! I still have a few more months until the day, but not nearly long enough. *SIGH* Help!!! My father thinks that I am a complete nutcase and that the alternative is much worse. Easy for him to say! Then he serenaded me with a song that went something like: "Old, old, she's so old, R----- is 30 years old!!!" Gee thanks Dad! I'll be sure to change that little ditty up and sing it over your grave. Me? Bitter? NAH! Now, intellectually I know that it's not the end of my life to turn 30, but intelligence has NOTHING to do with SHEER PANIC! In with the good air, out with the bad air. Ok, I'm fine, really....
Next on the agenda is the fact that I am officially done with G-----. Yep. We were together, like honest to God together for a while. Then I realized that he wasn't the demi-god I had imagined him and that a serious case of lust in high school did not excuse his current treatment of me. One of these days I will get around to calling him and telling him we are over just in case he hasn't figured it out yet. HINT, waiting a week to return my call that says I miss you is NOT excusable unless you are DEAD or in a COMA! You, by no means, have to return the sentiment but Jesus, let me know you are still among the living. Asshole.
I have read some really kick ass books over my self enforced exile from the net. (See, it wasn't just the blog I was taking a break from!) Those bibliophiles out there should check out Jennifer Crusie, Mary Kay Andrews, Diana Gabaldon, Katie MacAllister and, of course my, old standbys, Laurell K. Hamilton and Janet Evanovich. Get them and read them ALL.
Finally, last topic in the MAJOR update: Strippers! I recently went and saw the all male revue that came to my little corner of the woods. The Men of Texas. WHEW!!! *Fans self* Oh HONEY! If you get the chance to see these divine specimens of maleness TAKE IT! A few of the key words from my evening with the sexy gods of the grind: hot seat, lap dance, money, drinks, bras, thongs, naked, and gyrations. Draw your own conclusions and rest assured that the actual events were twice as fun and five times as naughty... Oh, and yes, there are pictures.
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Shhh. Listen carefully. Do you hear that? What, you may ask? The thumpa thumpa. Sunday night was the farewell episode of Queer As Folk. For those of you who never saw it, I am so truly and deeply sorry for your loss. You might also ask what the show was and why I am taking the time to blog about it.
The show followed the the lives of gay friends in Pittsburgh. Over the five years the show was on the air it was one of the best hours of television ever aired. I became so entwined in the lives of these characters that I wept as the screen faded to black and the show ended. Such a landmark show may never be seen again, or at least until the current CONSERVATIVE wave passes. You know, the President that wants to exile a large segment of our citizens even as he screams about liberating other societies from oppression. Mr. Bush, take heed of your own words, freedom isn't just for Iraqis anymore!
Before I get off on a political rant, I'm going to stop and focus back on the show.
In these five years we have seen Justin through his bashing and Mel and Linds through breakups and the birth of their two children. We have seen Ted's crystal meth addiction and recovery and Emmitt through his "conversion". We have lost Vic and gained Hunter. Seen a homophobic cop come around and watch Deb be the best mother a gay boy could ask for. We have seen Michael fulfill his dreams and Brian grow up. God! The memories!
Thank you to the cast, crew, writers and creators for allowing us into your stories each week. If this show has changed one mind, stopped one bashing, then, well, what better success could you ask for.
Love each other, Internet. Black, white, asian, gay, straight or bi. We are all in this together and all we have are each other.
Oh, and if it even matters to you whether or not I'm gay, go to hell. I'm a human being, and that's what counts.
LET THE FLAME BURN BRIGHT! THUMPA THUMPA!
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| Date: | 2005-08-07 09:17 |
| Subject: | Odds & Ends |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  contemplative |
Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I had updated. Time flies when your life is busy.
Not really much to report. Work is work, life is life. I found out recently that a guy I went all the way through school with was recently diagnosed with leukemia. I was absolutely stunned. We were pretty close in school and the guy is truly a wonderful, gifted, talented person. I hate that this has happened to him. It's weird to be coming to the age where your schoolmates are the ones developing medical problems. Cancer, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. Isn't that supposed to be out parents? When did we get older and inherit the whirlwind of our misspent youth? It saddens me to recognize that we are growing up and leaving behind certain comforts of youth. The feeling of invincibility is fading and it will only get worse.
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| Date: | 2005-07-15 01:22 |
| Subject: | Broken |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  crushed |
That's it, I'm done. It's amazing how you can think things are one way and then, all of a sudden, they are another. I thought things were going to work out with him, thought that after all these years we could try to make something together. HA! Idiot! He was just using you. He's seeing someone that has marriage potential! MARRIAGE POTENTIAL! How long have they been together? How blind were you? When he held you in his arms and you sighed and felt cherished was he thinking about her? My heart begs that the answer is no, but my mind, my rational mind knows that the answer is probably yes. I found out just now and as the tears ran down my face and I felt my heart crack open I softly told him that I was happy for him and that, no, nothing was wrong, I was doing great. Fool! How could you open yourself up like this again? Didn't Asshole teach you not to care so easily, not to dream or hope? I lack marriage potential, am simply good for a tumble or two. A whore, relief for the needs that assail men. FUCK! I hate this feeling, hate that this is all men see me as. The pain hurts too much, I'm done.
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I really don't have much to report, just trying to get in the habit of posting more. Work was all right last night with the exception of a co-worker. This guy is new to our shift and he is, ah, annoying. He is one of those people who KNOW IT ALL and want to share the knowledge with you. UGH! Plus, as if all that wasn't bad enough, this morning he preceded to burst into song. His choice? "Tiny Bubbles". I wanted to cry but I shaking too much from the laughter. Here's to you Don Ho.
Random thought of the day: I really need a new job.
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Hurricane Dennis came roaring through the state last night and, needless to say, I am completely disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want anyone to die or for the dreaded TORNADOES to come, but I signed on for more than rain and a bit of a breeze. Hell, I've experienced stronger breezes in Iowa and Texas. Pah! Gipped I say.
The recovery is going well. The infection is all cleared up and I seem to be on my way to completely healed. Yay!
I am going back to school. I made the decision after a get together with Allen and Jeremy. We sat around and bitched about our lives and how we never thought way back then that this is where we'd end up. It was depressing and life affirming at the same time, if that makes any sense. So, the decision to go back to school was born. Sure I still want to write a fantastically successful novel and be content with life, but at least this will get me motivated again. God, those guys are so so SO good for me. I haven't laughed that hard in so long. It's good to reconnect with friends that you have had for years longer than you care to admit for fear of revealing that you are not, in fact, sixteen anymore.
Final note, I may be getting a roommate. I'm excited about the possiblity. Before I loved home I had roommates for several years and miss the compainship of having someone to talk to at all hours about such wide ranging and important topics as whether or not there is any more chocolate ice cream.
Ok, off to read and then to bed.
Random thought of the day: Buy chocolate ice cream.
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So I had this whole long update typed out about a week ago and went to post it. Livejournal then informed me that I wasn't logged in. What? Then how was I able to... You know what, nevermind. I was mad and decided not to try to recreate it. The passion was gone and all I was left with was trying to recall what I had said. I'm better now and can go on posting.
I went back to the doctor yesterday and received heartwarming news. Apparently the skin around my mammoth incision is infected. Oh joy and delight. Sure, itchy and swollen weren't enough. Now we have infection. Only I could manage this. I had gone back to work which was infinitely more exhausting than I had anticipated. The doctor wrote me off for a few extra days and I slept sixteen hours yesterday. Nope, not tired much at all.
I'm off. I must figure up the state of my meager finances and then go fill yet another prescription. Oh, stop the excitement.
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| Date: | 2005-06-12 22:06 |
| Subject: | Post-op Care |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  sick |
So, I had the surgery. I won't bore you with all the details, but it didn't go at all like planned. It, and therefore the recovery, has ended up being way more intense than I had signed on for. I'm doing well and on my way though. I still really don't feel like eating much. Of course this isn't really a bad thing. I needed to drop some weight and hey, it seems to be working. Thanks to everyone who sent good thoughts and wishes my way. I love you all...
Random thought of the day: Staples should be limited to paper and wood in their uses.
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So tomorrow morning is the big day. I am supposed to arrive at the hospital at 5 am. I'm the first case of the day. I'm not sure if I should be relieved or more afraid. What if the doctor isn't awake yet? On the other hand at least he won't be fatigued by all th eother surgeries he's had to perform that day. Flip a coin and decide if it's good or not. My best friend flew in from Boston to take care of me. I'm relieved to know that someone will be in the house just in case I need them. Plus, just her being here lifts my spirits. I'm so afraid of all the things that could go wrong tomorrow. It's hard to stay positive, but I'm trying.
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Wow what a title. Ok, where to begin? My mother is out of the hospital. Thank you to everyone who sent their good wishes. Her health is still fragile, but we are over the latest crisis.
As a much needed treat to ourselves The Boy and I went to see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith Friday night. I've heard good and bad reviews of the movie and I would have to agree with the good ones. It felt more like the original trilogy than the previous two movies had. Plus, if you are a fan of the series and can understand deeper emotions, it was a very emotional movie. The descent of Anakin into Darth Vadar was remarkable and poignant. I actually teared up a few times. Not something I expected to do. Anyway, I recommend it, if for nothing else seeing Yoda kick ass again.
Friday night took a turn for the worse after the movies. The Boy developed a migraine (yes, my eight year old suffers from migraines and it is enough to break your heart). He finally fell asleep around 7:30 which is the best thing that could have happened. Around 9 that night I found Scooby (his hamster) dead in his cage. He died of old age and The Boy seemed sad but took it well overall. Still, we had raised Scooby from a baby and it was painful to lose him.
Lastly, I went back to surgeon yesterday. I thought I had torn my hernia further and I was correct. The pain from that, coupled with my gall bladder, has been more than I could bear. I hadn't been able to sleep well for almost two weeks now. That sucked. I'm now on pain meds and can only perform light duty at work. No, I'm not taking the pain meds at work, I'm suffering through those eight hours with tylenol. The surgery date remains the same.
Random thought of the day: I love the Stephanie Plum series.
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| Date: | 2005-05-17 09:14 |
| Subject: | Health Issues |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  worried |
My mom is in the hospital again. Looks like it is bronchitis, but with her extremely poor lung function, it's a big deal. I went to work last night with explicit instructions for her to call me if she needed me at all. She thought about it, but didn't. She didn't think I would be able to leave. What??? Look people, I would walk out of my job. If they fired me, well there are other jobs. Instead my mother laid in a hospital bed and wondered how long it would take the nurses to notice if she stopped breathing. That tears me up inside. To know that she laid there with that fear... No job is worth that to me. Chances are I will call into work tonight so that I can stay with her. I won't let my mom lay there with that fear. Not when I can ease it for her.
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| Date: | 2005-05-13 10:21 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  blah |
I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted. Sorry about that. Nothing much has really happened lately, but for the sake of the two people reading this I will give you an update.
I turned over the child support issue to the state. I didn't want to have to do it, but in the end it was out of my hands. He kept coming up with excuses as to why he couldn't pay. If I didn't need the money I honestly wouldn't care. Thing is, I do need the money and more importantly his son deserves it. So, it's out of my hands. They state will add on interest and prosecute him for it. He had his chance.
I'm still not feeling well. Hopefully the surgery will help that. I have to admit I'm more frightened this time than I ever have been before. Maybe it's because I have more at stake this time. I have The Boy. I have made my wishes known to several people but am looking at having a will drawn up. Scary stuff, that. I know things will be fine. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.
I officially hate my job. I am actively looking for another within the same organization. I have had some problems recently with one of my supervisors. I honestly think it would be shocking to him to find out that he isn't God. That and my patience has disappeared. You have to have a LOT of patience to do my job. Me and Job. Saints.
Other than that, not much to report. I need to clean house which comes as a great shock, I know. Maybe I will go do that. Or maybe I will just lay on the couch and take a nap. That sounds good.
Random thought of the day: I need the new album by The Killers.
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| Date: | 2005-05-01 07:35 |
| Subject: | Surgery |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  tired |
Turns out I do, in fact, have to have surgery. Oh yay! I'm so excited, can you tell? It's scheduled for June. Wish me luck.
I saw G last night. Nothing major, he'd stopped by where I work to see some of the other people I work with. (We all went to school together.) A couple of people picked up on signals I'm convinced they are imagining. Of course he did call twice yesterday. Who knows? It did feel a bit like flirting. Bah! No more thinking on it. Whatever happens, happens.
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| Date: | 2005-04-22 23:22 |
| Subject: | Update |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | tired |
Just a quick note to update you on what the doctor said. I have officially been referred to the surgeon. I go this coming Thursday. My blood pressure is up again so I'm back on meds for that. I also need to go back for some blood work. I'll let you know...
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Today is the day I go to the doctor. Follow up after the jaunt to the ER. I suspect that he will refer me over to the surgeon. C'est la vie.
Those of you who know me personally know that I am going through a really rough time right now. Thank you for all of your support. The fact that you would drop everything to come home and comfort me to the fact that you have added me and mine to your nightly prayers have touched me deeply and let me know that, despite my insecurities, I'm not alone and never have been. I love you all.
What, the rest of you may ask, has come up this time? My mother is dying. The fact that I can type those words without breaking down shows that the shock is insulating me well at this point. She was scheduled for surgery that several doctors, unbeknown to me, had told her she would die without. I simply thought that the surgery would help her have a better quality of life. The doctor that opened her up closed her immediately. My mother has cirrhosis. She has never been a big drinker, nor does she have hepatitis, so this came as a huge shock. The surgery that was to save her life would have killed her. The surgeon wants to see her next week. I guess we will find out then where we go from there.
All of this has led me to do some pretty deep thinking. I need to take better care of myself. I need to be a better person. I was talking about all of this to me best friend the other day and made the comment that if I was a better person perhaps God would answer my prayers and save my mother. She scolded me soundly. Still, I can't help but to feel like my prayers don't have the same weight as those of you who lead a good life. Please, no e-mails about how God loves me. I know that. But I also know that he punishes the wicked. I'm pretty sure that while I don't kill puppies or eat babies, I fall into that category. I just don't know anymore. I need to get back to the therapist.
One last thing before I go, Internet. Those of you lucky enough to still have your mothers, hug them tight and don't let go. I never understood how much mothers meant until I became one. I knew they did a lot, but I never understood. They are the ones that, even though you are perfectly well, will sneak into your rooms in the middle of the night and lay their hand on your back just to feel the gentle in and out of your breathing. They are the ones who go without new clothes that they desperately need just so you can have those $100 tennis shoes. They are the ones who will go without sleep before their night shift job just to watch your game and tell you how awesome you are, even when your team loses. And they are the ones who lay awake crying wondering and second guessing every decision they've ever made because they are afraid that it wasn't good enough for you.
Love them, Internet, and hold them tight.
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chiara_rose's journal
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